The Perpetual Pursuit of Non-Discomfort
We don't necessarily want to be comfortable, we just don't want to be uncomfortable
I was having lunch with a friend Friday and the conversation turned to the effects of anxiety in each of our lives and the issues that have arisen as a result of these effects. He said something poignant that I’ve also said to myself many times meaninglessly. “I need to practice sitting with the discomfort.” This statement isn’t necessarily a revelation, it’s been said many times by many people. It’s more about the commitment to practicing being uncomfortable.
Like millions of others last year, I read Michael Easter’s The Comfort Crisis. It was an insightful read, if a little bro-ey due to being authored by a Men’s Health writer.
The core premise of the book is that modern western culture has become detached from the resilient values that it was built on and is generally “softer” than previous generations and even other cultures. Despite the lowest-common-denominator-factor that the book was written with, I generally agree with Easter’s broader point that we spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and energy on pursuing non-discomfort (my term, not Easter’s). To me, non-discomfort is a feeling that isn’t uncomfortable, but it isn’t comfortable either. It’s just a benign state of not being uncomfortable.
For some, anxiety is like a perpetual state of being slightly uncomfortable so it makes sense that those of us who suffer from anxiety and adjustment disorders should want to find relief from this steady suffering. However, much of living with anxiety has to do with acclimating to the discomfort, as opposed to attempting to relieve it. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps reshape how you approach anxiety’s negative feelings, with acceptance being one strategy.
The observation I made from my conversation with my friend and the connection to The Comfort Crisis is that it seems like there’s a majority of the population attempting to escape from negative emotions that are, frankly, just part of being alive. The biochemical reactions that cause these emotions are natural processes that multiple industries exist to try and blunt: from drugs and alcohol, to sports and entertainment.
Easter’s solution is doing physically hard things - hard training, backcountry excursions, Goruck challenges - and while I agree to an extent, the mindset shift from these kinds of experiences is superficial and ephemeral and doesn’t transfer to handling emotional challenges. Physical toughness ≠ mental toughness.
The real solution is acceptance. Accept the negative feelings as they come instead of constantly trying to avoid them.
The next time you feel emotional discomfort - sadness, anger, general malaise - don’t run from it, recognize and sit with the discomfort. There is no need for analysis or understanding, just acceptance. This practice of acceptance will enrich your inner life and expand your access to broader and deeper emotions, both positive and not.
“Do not turn away from your suffering.” - Zen proverb